I woke up at 4am (now 7am) and couldn't sleep and, when I'm anxious I journal just to get everything out on paper (or on the net as it were) so, here I am.
I miss Beebs! I know it sounds crazy, but this last 8 months is the longest we've ever been together without at least a 6 week period apart thrown in there somewhere....and it feels really weird to be alone again. Mom put a queen bed in my sister's old room for us when he was here, but I moved to the twin bed because it just felt cold and empty all by myself in the queen. I know, I know, I'm a sook. It's only 2.5 weeks (17 days to be exact. ;) ) and we've done far far worse...but it feels different this time. The fact that we still miss each other hopelessly after only a few hours is a good sign I think. Don't get me wrong, it's not that we can't spend a night apart without getting all rediculous, it's just there's a big diff between a night apart when you see each other the next day (or even in a couple days) and the first night apart of weeks of nights apart.
People always ask me if it gets easier, to be apart I mean. And, you know, I don't think anything in my life could ever be as hard as that first goodbye... so yes, in that sense it has gotten easier. But beyond that...it doesn't really. I always cry even when I promise myself I won't. I did pretty well this time. I made it all the way to the final hug at the airport before soaking his shoulder. Yay! Props to me! I do find myself asking why we do this to each other. Many couples wouldn't even consider being apart, if he could only get 2 weeks off work then the trip would only be 2 weeks and we'd leave together....but my family here and my friends here, they're important too! That's the crappy thing about having two homes; you're always crying over someone.
I have experienced an obstacle that I didn't consider until today: I don't have a car here. I mean, I don't have a car in Moranbah either but, usually, I'm on my parent's car insurance. They've removed me for obvious reasons and, after I returned the rental car last evening, I realized that I'm kind of trapped here. At least here I have friends who will come and visit me and drive me around places and so on...but I'm going to miss that freedom of being able to leave whenever I want. I REALLY wanted to be able to just go out and be by myself last night and I felt a bit like the teenager again, trapped in my parents house. It's a little bit frustrating and has put a bit of a damper on the initial euphoria of being home amongst all I know and love best.
I should talk about that for a moment actually, the initial euphoria I mean. We finally arrived at the DFW airport and picked up the rental car and, after some initial disorientation of right vs. left, my instinct took me home. It was like a miracle that, after all that time, I didn't even have to think about the exit to take or the direction to drive....I just took us home! And, as I walked through the front door to the scratching and clicking of Scarlett's excited paws on the hardwood and big hugs from my parents, my heart felt truly full for the first time in a long long time. Mom had lit a candle or something that smelled like Christmas (you know, all cinnamon and nutmeg and allspice) and the tree was sparkling in the corner of the living room where it always did. The floor felt intriguingly solid under my feet and I recognized the absence of the familiar thud and echo of the high and low-set homes of Queensland. I looked around in renewed awe of the home I'd spent 20 years of my life in; the ceilings seemed so high and the air was so warm and inviting in contrast to the brisk winter outside. I'd grown up feeling like my parents 1980's 3 bed/2 bath house was inferior to the brand new 4/5 bed 2 story homes of my friends...but now as I saw it through new eyes I recognized it for what it was; BEAUTIFUL. Solid floors, central a/c and heat, HUGE rooms, high ceilings, 2 full bathrooms and walk-in closets. Even a garage! I felt really proud of my parents for the home they'd built together in this house and I realized that I could be perfectly and endlessly happy in nothing more than a 3 bed/2 bath 1980's home for the rest of my life! It's amazing what you learn to appreciate when you've done without....
It's surreal to be able to buy a coffee at Starbucks at 9:30 pm if I want or buy a burger at 3 am. I still haven't quite wrapped my head around it.... I spent FOUR HOURS just in Marshall's and Ross today....and there's 15 more of them in a 10 mile radius if I should get bored and want to have another go....It might sound bad, but I feel a bit like Tom Hanks in that movie Castaway after he's been stranded for 3 years on a remote island and they throw him that party when he comes home....he stands in awe of the lighter's instant fire and the bowls of crab legs and lobster tails just ready to eat that he didn't have to kill himself. Not that Moranbah is a desert island or anything....but I am admittedly in awe of huge bowls of pico you can buy from Sams for 5 bucks...that I didn't have to make myself. I'm in awe of that I could go to any one of 15 some-odd starbucks within a 15 miles of my parents house when I'd have to fly 1000 miles just to find ONE in Queensland. It's surreal. So, if we hadn't before now, I think we can confirm that I'm definitely not a country girl.