Thursday, March 18, 2010

Introspective Musings

I don't want to be a grown up. I want to have water gun fights, play hide-and-go-seek, buy a popsicle from the ice-cream man and tag-you're-it all day long. I feel like my inner-child is mourning the fading of my youth lately. I realized the other day that I'm 5-6 years older than high-school seniors. I'm officially the age my teachers were in school. My little sister is turning 20 next week. How is this possible?

I chalk some of it up to the fact that I've spent most of the past 2 years in limbo. I still feel 21. 2 years might not seem like much of a difference but it feels humongous. Everyone's getting married and having babies. Everyone I've met in Moranbah and built some kind of relationship with so far is in their late 20s and early 30s and are all just in a completely different stage in life than me. It makes me feel self-conscious. Like, they've already lived this stage of life I'm in. They've been-there-done-that and all have babies and children and I'm still over here living my life for myself with nothing more to worry about than what I want and feels difficult for me to relate to them sometimes, even though they can relate to me. Like they have all this wisdom from experience and I've still got the blinders on....does that even make sense? It makes me miss Kara and Amelia a lot. I know if I called Amelia up randomly and challenged her to a water-gun fight she'd be all over that. Not that I ever did....ha! But I could have if I'd wanted to! I don't really know anyone here I could do that with without feeling like they'd think I was joking or something...maybe I'm wrong. I dunno.

Also, everyone seems so much more mature here, even the people my age....not that I'm immature, but I'm also silly and playful and loud. My friends here are different and I feel like I'm different when I am with them. I feel like I'm losing touch with myself. I never really feel like me anymore. I think maybe because I'm still getting to know everyone and I haven't really gotten to that stage where the guards come down. I don't know if they ever will come down...I don't really know many people very well at all.....maybe that's hard for me because I haven't really had to make new friends outside of the work-place since high school. I'm not really sure how to have less-than-deep friendships outside of work... I want to get to know people and their passions, dreams and even their past. I want to move beyond the superficial but I don't really know how. I guess I could spend more time with people for starters. No one seems to have quite as much free time as me at the moment though. haha I'll settle-in in good time but, for now, it's tough always being the odd one out and always feeling that bit socially awkward. It makes me pine for my bffs something fierce.

I still feel a bit like the penguin in a flock of crows. :-/



  1. Bo seebs. ::squeak squeak squeak:: I love you and I miss you too. It just seems like no one understands me the way you do!

    I totally understand what you mean about not wanting to be an adult, losing touch with your inner-child, etc. It was so hard for me to take the job, just because I felt like I would automatically grow up and get boring. But what's different about us is that we realize we'd miss our inner child too much to truly let go of her. We'll always be little kids on the inside, no matter how grown-up we get or how many bills, jobs, or babies we eventually have.

    As for friendships, you are so so so so special in that you long to know people for who they really are, not just on a superficial level. While most people are content with just scratching the surface, you want to know what really makes them tick, what makes them who they are. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting your relationships to be meaningful, most people just don't care as much as you do :) And that's why I love you :)

    And besides, penguins are the best dressed of all the birds, anyways. ;)

  2. You and Amelia both make me teary eyed. So fun loving and cute and sweet! Never change!

  3. Don't worry about growing up! I agree with Amelia, as long as you acknowledge your inner child, you'll be fine! Plus, it will make you an even better parent down the road! My Dad has his childish side, and I say it's pretty fun!

  4. I felt that way a bit too - about Australia. But I didn't let it affect my sense of fun. :) You may have a few people give you weird looks when you do something silly - but you have a GREAT excuse!! You're a foreigner. :) lol.


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