I don't want to be a grown up. I want to have water gun fights, play hide-and-go-seek, buy a popsicle from the ice-cream man and tag-you're-it all day long. I feel like my inner-child is mourning the fading of my youth lately. I realized the other day that I'm 5-6 years older than high-school seniors. I'm officially the age my teachers were in school. My little sister is turning 20 next week. How is this possible?
I chalk some of it up to the fact that I've spent most of the past 2 years in limbo. I still feel 21. 2 years might not seem like much of a difference but it feels humongous. Everyone's getting married and having babies. Everyone I've met in Moranbah and built some kind of relationship with so far is in their late 20s and early 30s and are all just in a completely different stage in life than me. It makes me feel self-conscious. Like, they've already lived this stage of life I'm in. They've been-there-done-that and all have babies and children and I'm still over here living my life for myself with nothing more to worry about than what I want and need...it feels difficult for me to relate to them sometimes, even though they can relate to me. Like they have all this wisdom from experience and I've still got the blinders on....does that even make sense? It makes me miss Kara and Amelia a lot. I know if I called Amelia up randomly and challenged her to a water-gun fight she'd be all over that. Not that I ever did....ha! But I could have if I'd wanted to! I don't really know anyone here I could do that with without feeling like they'd think I was joking or something...maybe I'm wrong. I dunno.
Also, everyone seems so much more mature here, even the people my age....not that I'm immature, but I'm also silly and playful and loud. My friends here are different and I feel like I'm different when I am with them. I feel like I'm losing touch with myself. I never really feel like me anymore. I think maybe because I'm still getting to know everyone and I haven't really gotten to that stage where the guards come down. I don't know if they ever will come down...I don't really know many people very well at all.....maybe that's hard for me because I haven't really had to make new friends outside of the work-place since high school. I'm not really sure how to have less-than-deep friendships outside of work... I want to get to know people and their passions, dreams and even their past. I want to move beyond the superficial but I don't really know how. I guess I could spend more time with people for starters. No one seems to have quite as much free time as me at the moment though. haha I'll settle-in in good time but, for now, it's tough always being the odd one out and always feeling that bit socially awkward. It makes me pine for my bffs something fierce.
I still feel a bit like the penguin in a flock of crows. :-/