oh boy!

I was reading some entries from my old blog.... It's interesting to see the world through the eyes of my 19 y/o self. It's exciting to return to this turning point in my life and in my faith and see the doubts fade and my footing become sure. I just want to go back in time and SQUEEZE me into a hug and say how proud I am of me for not just accepting things blindly and, even though it was hard, to listen for direction from God first and foremost. I was so excited to find a blog post cataloging the day that I decided to follow Christ and his will for my life. This was the first day in my life that it made sense that I wasn't just calling myself a Christian because I always had but because it's what I'd chosen for myself. I think I could take a leaf out of my teenage self's book today actually...it's so cool to relive that moment. I don't blog about the exact moment but I remember it well...I was sitting on my bed just crying out to God to TELL ME the answer....and then I was silent....and it all just clicked. It was like a button was pushed somewhere within me and it all made sense. Here are the entries:
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May 28, 2006

He is the answer to the Question.....

Okay so I've just had a breakthrough..... I babble on about these doubts of mine but in the end, they are not even relevant to what is the true root of my struggle; am I following Christ because I love Him or am I following Him because I believe just enough to fear not following Him would lead to eternal suffering?

The problem was that I had only ever looked at my faith in this light. Therefore, I had no idea if I was a "true" Christian or not, knowing all along that God would see right through me if I have been faking it all this time...And so today, for the first time, I looked at all this in a different light.

I reworded that question of mine into an even more important question; If there was no Heaven and no Hell, if there was no reward or punishment for choosing Him or rejecting Him, would I still follow Him? And so there I sat, wondering...imagining. And it was then that it dawned on me that I could never give up my life as his disciple because He is my life. Even if I would suffer no punishment to say Goodbye to Him forever and go about my life just like everyone else....I couldn't imagine a life without Him in it. What would be the point? And my heart smiled and swelled with pride at that thought that I am truly His, and yes! Yes, it was all by my choice! Of course there is no choice when you are looking at it as a life or death decision....but that's not what it is. It's a life decision. Period. The choice is not to choose whether to live or die but to choose HIM. Or not. And the punishment isn't really a punishment at all.....after a person dies their spirit has to go somewhere, after all and, since this person has denied and rejected God and wants nothing to do with him, the only place in existence where that is truly possible is in Hell.

I've had this issue with worship for 2 years now....the idea that God would create us only so that we might bow down before Him and tell Him how great He is....well that's not what worship even is is it? It's a choice just like everything else.....it's just all the people who have chosen to love Him coming together to visit their father and thank Him for all he's done for them and given them. It's like..let me tell you a story.

You are lying on the side of the street naked, starving, thirsty, impoverished and dying. Just as you draw what you believe will be your last breath, a stretch limousine pulls up not two feet from where you lie in the dust. A man in a white linen suit emerges from the car, lifts you into his arms prepared to give you new life. First he takes you into his home where he makes you a part of his family. He clothes you and feeds you. And then, when you have strength and life again, he places a check for 15 billion dollars into your fist and tells you that "you are now strong enough to be free to go out and make a life for yourself in whatever way you choose." You stand there looking at Him, jaw agape, in awe of the goodness of this man and you ask him, "What can I ever do to repay you? I never deserved any of this. I was a wretch, I was worthless, I--", it is here that the man cuts you off with a smile and a wave of his hand. He shakes his head at you, his eyes shining with unconditional love and he takes you into an embrace while saying this; "All I ask is that you come by and visit me once a week, just one day every week that we might spend together, just you and me." You smile into his shoulder as two tears run down your cheeks and you say "Thank you Father."

After all this man has done for you, would you not visit him once, even more than once, every week bringing gifts and singing his praises, all the while never letting him forget just how thankful you are and what an amazing and wonderful person he is?

I feel as though our relationship with God is parallel to this story.Except of course we are more than simply indebted to Him. We owe him our very existence, our world, our family.Everything. Imagine if the man had let his only son die for you so that you might live? How much more grateful might you feel towards him?

I finally understand that liturgy that I always thought was so corny, until now. "It is right to give Him our thanks and praise"

The Truth

Relient K

And I've collected all these thoughts
And I'm dying just to lose them
And if your words are true or not
I'll die trying to prove them
But I'll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that's left
For me to do is to trust you

Convince me
Because I really need your help
Oh convince me
Because I can't see this for myself

I'll put the emphasis on the evidence
Begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

This is so unnerving
I know you've never lied to me before
But the things you're telling me
I can't yet believe
Yet can't ignore
But I'll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that's left
For me is to trust you

Put the emphasis on the evidence
Begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

It's a world full of cynics
Who say to stay alive in it
You gotta stick with what you know
But the soul is always aching
For the heart to start taking
A chance by letting go

So let go
Let go
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
Attempt to place our lives into your hands
Confide in what you'll do
Cause sometimes when you're trying to sleep
And all your doubts and your faith don't agree its cause
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

Ahhhhhh....I love when everything just comes together. And all I had to do was look at things in a different way. :) Today is a landmark day. I have to go spend some time getting reacquainted with my Father, I'm sure you can understand. :)

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June 19th 2006

Updates;

2 years ago I began running in circles around the inside of circular pen; a pen with walls built from my own doubt and disbelief. Everyday I ran around and around that pen, just staring at the beaten path in front of me...never looking up. I was determined that this path, my path, was the only path worth traveling and would surely lead to an exit if only I followed it long enough. After a couple years, I changed tactics. I was so so tired of running and, as I staggered from the path and collapsed in the center of the pen sobbing and gasping for breath, I cried out to God, "This isn't working!!! This stupid path doesn't even go anywhere!!!" As I sat there staring at the ground, my breath steadied and, so softly as to be almost inaudible the words "Lord, show me the way....I want to know...I need to know the way....." escaped my lips. I had asked for help before as I ran along the path, but this time was different because this time I stopped and took the time to listen....after a while, I heard a soft reply, "Look up." My lip trembled with shock and relief at the voice of my Lord and as I obeyed, I saw Him standing next to an open gate that led off into the meadow. "I've been here all along.", He said. "All you needed was a change in perspective." I had spent two years of my life running in circles when, all the while, my God had been standing at the gate to the pen; the gate I had never noticed because I was too busy staring at my own two feet to look around and see. I climbed to my feet and stumbled out the gate. I stared into the face of my Lord as He took my hand. And as He began to lead me along the new path, He said "I am the way."

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Intense eh? haha I love writing metaphors and that is the metaphor for the last two years of my life. Less than 24 hours after I hit rock bottom three weeks ago, the Father showed me what should have been obvious all along; He is the answer to the question, He always has been The Way, The Truth and The Life and all it took for me to fully realize that these are more than just words but TRUTH was a change in perspective. :)

If you want to know the full story of me coming to find the Truth, read my May 27 blog entry on Myspace. :)

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Endings;

I know people say it and rarely mean it when I say it because I really have no reason to continue; This is my last and final Xanga entry ever. I've worked out what I needed to and see no reason to continue. Find me on Myspace!

Love, Mel

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And that was 19 y/o me. :) That was when I decided I was going to make a difference in the lives of youth. Granted, I didn't think it'd be in Australia. lol But it's still taken me this long to begin to understand God's plans for me. It's great to be able to see where I've been and get a glimpse at where I may be going. Funnily enough, I met Chris not 1 month after that post.... and the post before it was about being frustrated at being single and how I knew the "textbook" answer was to "put God at the center of your life and, when you find yourself content in HIM you'll run into the man He has planned for you when you least expect it." I was SO frustrated by that "rule" so to speak....and yet it seems to be how things worked out for me. It wasn't an easy path, but it's the right one. I'm glad I made the right choice.